Hellsing Comes But Once a Year
by MegFallow
Summary: A collection of xmas stories centered around our favorite hellsing characters. Some are WAFFY, others are funny, some will be drabbles, and some will be romantic. Introducing Sunshine the baby chick! Read and Review please
1. A Snow Kitten

**Title: Hellsing Comes But Once a Year**

**Summary: A series of one -shots about how Hellsing and their friends/foes experience this festive time of year. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.......darn.....**

**Chapter One**

**A Snow Covered Kitten**

Integra Wingates Hellsing stared out of the open window at the Millennium's cat boy as he stood up to his shoulders in the cold bitter snow shivering. She sighed, just a minute ago she was sitting in her father's chair with a book and a cup of tea relaxing in front of the fireplace until she heard the sound of a small cat mewling (or what sounded like it) and now she saw her her ultimate enemy's Hitler youth boy standing in the snow hoping to come in out of the cold.

"Does he think me stupid," she thought to herself leaning against the window frame,"that just because he looks like some neko chibi boy or something that I should take him in and fix up a bed and a cream of milk for him?"

_That may work for Seras Victoria but not for me!_

The sharp wind chill blew up from the north and into her office, Integra shivered herself and was about to shut the window when she saw Schrodinger looking up at her with the most sweetest innocent wide-eyes she had ever seen. _Great, just great, _she thought again, _he is pulling out the ballistics!_

"GO HOME!" She screamed at him and slammed the windows shut.

The Iron Maiden walked back to her father's chair and sat down trying to enjoy her tea. The key word was _trying, _for over her fireplace was a big portrait of Arthur Hellsing, with his dark sagely eyes staring down at her. Baring into her soul as if he was searching for that sweet little girl that he knew before he died. She hated it, all these years of avoiding stares like that from the other Protestant Knights and close friends of Hellsing she was used to ignoring them but now to feel those same eyes in the picture of her father. She felt like she had let him down after all these years of emulating the man and what he stood for. The Integra that was young, always showed kindness to animals, even after shooting her uncle and dominating a bloodthirsty vampire -king, Integra showed a soft-spot for God's creatures that was not as distinctive as Victoria but it still tugged at her heartstrings when she would see a ghoul or two on a mission grab a little rabbit or a child's pet and tear them apart.

_Animals can't scream they can't cry for help.....that is what makes them victims....._

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She placed the cat-boy on a chair next her hers and removed the blanket then placed it over his shoulders. A maid walked in carrying a bowl of cream and gave it to Schroedinger whom lapped it up quite hungrily. The maid smiled at him possibly reminding her of a childhood pet kitten, but a glare from Integra made her bow quickly and step out of the room.

"Danke 'che Fraulein Hellsing" he said happily.

"Don't get use to this," she said in her barking order,"this is just for tonight, I expect you to return back speaking no word of this to anyone first thing tomorrow morning! I trust that you will be warm enough to successfully teleport which I have figured was the reason why you couldn't leave in the first place....so...just...relax."

She sat down opposite from him, opening her book and drinking her tea. A moment of silence filled up the empty space between them, after a chapter or two, she looked up at Schroedinger and said, "_Froehliche Weihnachten."_

"Merry Christmas to you Fraulein Hellsing." whispered Schroedinger.

**THE END**

**This is the beginning of a series of Christmas short stories surrounding Hellsing. I thought it would be nice to protray Integra as a animal-lover despite being kinda mean-looking and militant all the time. Oh, and hopefully you got that "Froehliche Weihnachten" means "Merry Christmas" in German. I thought that would be a nice touch.**

**What....you thought I didn't like her....no...no that isn't it, she is a nice woman really.....hehe, those were lies...all lies....*screen pans out to see Integra holding a gun to MegFallow's head while she is typing on her computer***

**Integra: That is a good girl....now use the review button and no one gets hurt-**

**MegFallow: For the love of god yes please! Do you know how hard it is to clean brain matter off a computer moniter! Please review!**


	2. Its the Little Things

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.......darn.....**

**A/N: I decided to write this because the first time I got into Hellsing Manga and the OVA my ultimate favorite scene was with Alucard and the Queen. And I seriously gushed how sweet that clip was. Because it in a way, it showed a docile child-like expression in Alucard you rarely got to see. And so came the theory of that surrogate mother/child relationship in my view. Very Warm and Fuzzy Feeling moments here, mostly from a remeniscent POV of Alucard.**

_**Chapter Two**_

Its the little things

Usually as we grow up and accumulate items, we tend to not remember where we got this or who gave us that and when, but for Alucard, who usually like to forget as much as he could remember. He always kept one piece of treasure that no one would have hardly expected.

It was a small plushy bat dressed up as a british guard.

In a small hallowed out corner of his wall, was where he kept it, and when The Valentine Brothers attacked that manner, he kept it in his pocket to make sure it was safe. One Christmas. It was one Christmas ago, he remembered who had given it to him.

The Queen of England.

There was something said about their relationship, it was so much more complicated than that of his and Integra Hellsing; his master. But rumors would go around as rumors do, that sometimes when Integra was out of the room, Alucard gazed up at The Queen of England almost in a motherly adoration. Did the queen know or feel the same way, no one can say for certain. But the small plushy bat always held the key to what many speculated.

He remembered the first time it happened, during a royal Christmas party that the creme of the crop of London's society had attended. Including his then Master Arthur Hellsing and his pregnant wife. Alucard was allowed to come along under one condition and that was he was to watch the his behavior and not scare anyone. The Christmas tree was beautiful and there were presents underneath it-presents that would then be shipped out by the salvation army to all the orphanages around England. While there was a seperate room for gifts reserved for the guests in their Secret Santa exchanges. All but one gift that could have been for a certain dark-haired vampire was not among them.

During the party, Alucard felt very alone for the first time in his life, though he had saved countless nations, they still regarded him as a monster. Parents would pull their children away from him the moment he smiled at their toddlers, men would look upon him with a air of suspicion and shoo him away from their private conversations. And women would cover their necks and walk away fearing that they would fall under his siren spell and turn them into ghouls.

_Humph, piece and good will all right.....to mortal men... _He snorted and walked away to a balcony over looking the beautiful garden covered in snow while behind him guests were exchanging 'secret santas' and not one had asked him over to give him a gift.

_Sometimes I wonder what is the point? _

Then it happened, he heard the graceful sashaying of the Queen, he knew it was her, he could always tell by the scent of their blood type who it was. And judging by the B positive count it was most certainly the queen. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a small box wrapped in black wrapping paper and a red bow placed carefully on the flat surface of the railing next to him. He looked up and saw the doting face of the elderly monarch smiling back at him, she brushed a strand of hair from his face and caressed his cheek saying that "No matter what anyone tells, anywhere around here, I will always be proud of you."

She gave him a maternal kiss and walked off to attend to her hostess duties.

Alucard picked up the box and opened it, revealing a small bat plushy made of velvet, with a little red British guard coat and a long furry hat on his head.

From that day forward, he always kept it in his pocket

He kept it when he was imprisoned in his cell

He kept it when he went to Chedder and met Seras for the first time.

He kept it when he fought Anderson for the first time

He kept it when he went to Brazil

And when he became nothing more than a imaginery number on the final days of the London Battle he to also kept it close to his heart.

**The End**


	3. Gift Giving and Girlycard

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.......darn.....**

**A/N: Okay! Put away those tissues because here comes another installment of "Hellsing Comes But Once A Year"! I had to go to a mall to round out the ideas behind this story of Young Walter and Girlycard buying a gift for their employer. Warning: Contains sexual humor and a case of demonic speaking dolls.**

**Enjoy!**

**1958**

Young Walter paid the cabdriver as Girlycard got out and stretched her arms. It was four weeks until Christmas. Although Girlycard kept telling Walter that they would have plenty of time to get a present for Arthur and his wife, Walter insisted saying that he dreaded the late shopping.

They were inside the store now which was getting even more crowded. Girlycard removed her hat and whispered into his ear,"You want I should thin the herd Wally?"

Walter gasped, knowing fully what Girlycard was implying she would do,"No! Just behave yourself and stop getting into trouble, help me find a gift for Lady VanHellsing, since you seem to -_ahem_- know what women want."

However, as Young Walter tended to forget, never tease Girlycard because she will tease you just as bad right back.

"No really," she jested brushing up against him and caressing his face with a finger,"WHAT do women want? Hmmmm?"

His eye twitched,"Excuse me...."

In a blink of a eye, Young Walter ran into the bathroom.

Five minutes later he was back out again.

"Lets just get this over with." He seethed at her.

Girlycard giggled and skipped down the aisle into the toy department. She picked up a pull-string doll that would speak when you pulled on the said string. She always got a kick out of these contraptions. Walter found her in the doll aisle of course, what was it about dolls that made a five hundred year old man vampire in the form of a Japanese girl take such interest in them. It must have been a deep deep deep century gap in the generation of toymaking.

"Put that down Girly," Walter sighed,"we are not getting something for you its for Mr. and Mrs. Hellsing."

"Awwww," she pouted,"hey look when you pull it string it talks!"

"Yeah...like I haven't heard those a thousand times before," he muttered,"I am sure you will see more dolls like it in the new future but for now-"

"Oohhh, lets see what this one says!" She pulled the string and intelligible words came out.

"Oh my god!" she cried,"the doll just said that 'Satan is Our Lord and Master!' Wally! I am scared!"

She dropped the doll and clutched onto him nudging the doll away with her foot.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He replied prying her hands from around his waist,"its just a stupid doll! Dolls can't talk! I mean....not...talking like that...you probably misinterpreted it."

He picked up it up and pulled the string,"See it says...."

**_SATAN IS YOUR LORD AND MASTER......WORSHIP HIM........WORSHIP HIM......_**

**_"_**Girlycard knock it off!"

"Wally, I am not doing it."

The serious look on her face made Walter freaked out, even more scared then anything he had seen in WW2, they looked at the seemingly innocent doll with a blue dress and locks of golden curly-hair with her long eyelashes and bright hazel eyes. Without pulling the string the doll said its dark words once again.

"LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" Screamed Walter, grabbing Girlycard and running out of the toy department both of them screaming in unison.

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After hours of running within the Department store they found themselves in the clothing aisle.

"Hey Walter, you know how Arthur and Lady Hellsing are trying to have a baby?"

"Yeah what about it...you got them a toy for the-GAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What do you think, won't it get them a baby quicker, huh?"

Walter turned around and saw Girlycard holding a lacy black teddy with matching thong up against the front of her body. Every once of hormones in his sixteen year old body started to crash down on him. Down, down, down, way below the belt if you get my drift. His active imagination was not being his friend that day as he started to think dirty dirty thoughts.

"Hey, I know! I will try it on!" Girlycard smirked as if reading his mind,"that way I know if it will fit her or not, we are the same size you know! Tee hee!"

"No Girly don't-!"

The fitting room door shut and a minute later the stunning Girlycard came out in a see through babydoll-teddy that revealed her taunt curvy stomach and round hips. The garter molded her shapely legs so delicately and fine that it was as of God had taken great care in sculpting them right before Walter's boggling eyes. Which were resting on the level of her bosoms and how it fitted each mound like a glove. Accentuating them just right-

"Well?"

"I........I have to go to the bathroom......again!"

"Wally!" she cried,"you just went, what are you doing in there!?!"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK!?" He shouted back at her.

Girlycard just looked confused.

In a puff of smoke he disappears into the bathroom for a even longer period of time. Girlycard went back into the fitting room and changed back into her regular clothes. A store clerk walked up to the door asking if he would like to wrap them up for her. She politely thanked the man and asked him if the store delievered for Christmas.

As Girlycard waited for the man to wrap the gift up for her, she still hadn't seen any sign of Walter coming out of the bathroom,"Hahehehehahahe......" in a serious tone "I don't get it why dosen't he just impale something like I used to do when I would get 'urges' back in the day."

"Here you go miss." The store clerk said.

"Thank you." she smiled and skipped happily away.

Girlycard had issues.

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After a while, Walter found two lamps with stainglass dolphins glued to them and they were a good price on the clearence shelf. With the lampshades made of green vinel with frill edges around the bottom.

"This looks good, I think they will like it, the lamps will look nice in the office."

Girlycard just looked at the tacky lamps and made a disagreeable sound,"So, are you trying to say that....after all those years of putting a roof over your head, giving you the best education and tutors money could by, spending hours and cash to make you those fancy glove weapons and all around being the ONLY parents you will ever have-not to mention they give you a hundred bucks allowance......you get them this cheap piece of crap."

"Hey," he replied offended as they made thier way to the cash register,"I least I got them something, if you don't like it why don YOU get them something instead of mooching your name onto my gifts like you have the past couple of years!"

"Fine," she huffed,"I will! Its free country now! So I will do it!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

"**FINE!"**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**(A/N: contains off camera sex scenes)**

**Christmas Eve**

Apparently that night Girlycard HAD given them something. And it was mostly for Lady Renee Hellsing, wife of Arthur Hellsing. Who was making use out of the linginue that Girlycard gave her the day before. In the next room, was Walter laying on his bed with pillows over his head blocking out the sound of loud sex in the next room.

"--OH ARTHUR! YOU ARE SUCH A BEAST--!"

**SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY**

**"--I love this neglicee! You can take it off anyway you want to! Girlycard is a gift giving genius!---"**

** SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY**

**"--Oh yes! right there you sexy man!---"**

**SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY**

**"--LEAVE THE GARTERS ON YOU SEXY MOMMA!---"**

** _SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY-CRASH!_**

His eye twitched

**"**-What was that!!?!??!-"

"-Oh I think I broke those lamps that Walter gave us-"

"Oh don't worry, we can just go down to the flea market and replace them, now come here with your big thick piece of juicey-"

** "**Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Walter screamed out loud.

He grabbed his blanket and pillow. Then left his bedroom and journeyed far into the lower dungeon of the estate. Deeper and deeper until he found Girlycard's chambers and went right on in. The dungeon was unnaturally warm that night, so she slept with her coffin lid open wearing a white satiny victorian nightgown. Walter went right up to the side and looked down at her and-

-proceeded to pelt the ever loving snot out of her with his pillow.

Nine months later.........

A little girl named Integra Fairbanks Wingates Hellsing was born

**_I hope you enjoyed it! Poor Young Walter.....is it any wonder why he betrayed Hellsing. I was in a Victoria Secret store at the mall today and the idea of Girlycard and a neglicee was too good not to pass up! The next chapter will be Iscariot, Hellsing, and christmas pagents. Oh let the madness begin! If you have any ideas or suggestions you want to see in the next chapter's story or any stories you want me to put in please let me know. Merry Christmas!_**


	4. Christmas play Part1

**Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot. **

**A/N: I want to start off by thanking everyone who has reviewed and or faved this story. I appreciate your support and I hope you spread the word to your friends about these funny Hellsing Christmas tales. This is about that magical traditions (and the consequences that ensue ) when participating in the holiday Christmas Pageants! Need I remind you that this is for humor OOC purpose only! Anything in here that may sound offensive is not my personal beliefs but for the sake of entertaining you with this story. If you feel you don't like this than by all means just press the back button on your computer and leave it alone (and it will leave you alone ;) ) As for everyone else, I hope you enjoy this story and get a kick out it.**

**Warning: Will contain heavy swearing and minor violence**

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" She screamed at the top of her lungs,"WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!!"

"Anything wrong Master?" Alucard asked as he phased his head through the ceiling in Sir Integra's office.

"Yes it is!" she cried crumpling up a piece of paper in her hand,"I can't believe the queen is ordering us to put on a play! Can't she see I have more important matters to attend to than entertain a bunch of snot-nosed brats!"

"Now now now," tutted Alucard lowering himself from the ceiling and landed like a graceful cat,"you were once too a snot-nosed brat yourself-why I remember the first time that your mother brought you home, you were a sight, smelly and you had this one green booger that...OWWWW!"

Integra cut off Alucard's words by shooting him in the chest. Then she once again fumed about her problem,"That is quite enough out of you servant," she threatened,"I wouldn't mind directing the play but she wants me to act in it! And guess who she wants me to play?"

"Herod?"

"NO YOU IDIOT! Mary! Can you believe that! Mary wore a dress! I will be the laughing stock of the United Nations!"

"Why the U.N. Master?" He asked healing the wound in his chest.

"That is where the play is going to be, its suppose to be a show of 'peace and unity' all over the world, ugh, I could be doing a mission now but no I have to be in this lousey play!" She buried her face in her arms and sighed. Alucard walked over to her and leaned against her desk stroking her long blond hair.

"Well, face it your are considered a religious organization," he said,"so its expected that you make a play about the birth of Christ. Now if you were a public school or a secular organization you wouldn't have to do such trivial nonscence."

"What are you saying?" she muffled through her arms.

"That you are S.O.L -HAHAHAHAAH!" **_BANG BANG _**"OWWWWWWWW NOW THAT ONE HURT!"

Integra had just shot Alucard the second time around except now it was between the legs. He grabbed his injured bleeding state and limped out of the office. Just as he phrased through the door, Integra uncrumpled the letter and read it once again.

_Well_, she thought, _how could it get any worse_?

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Meanwhile in the Vatican, Archbishop Maxwell nearly choked on his coffee the moment he read the exact same letter from The Pope. It was worded differently but the subject was still the same: Iscariot along with Hellsing were going to put on a Christmas Paegent for the children and it was going to take place at the U. N. building.

And Maxwell was going to be....Joseph.

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**At a conference stage somewhere in the U.N. builiding......**

Each of Hellsing and Iscariot's employees were there while the Pope and The Queen stood in front of them explaining about the play.

"We want to show that even two warring houses that are usually at each other's throats," explained The Pope,"can still reflect the true meaning of the holiday season. Plus, all the money will be raised to benefit war orphans."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-!"

"-SHUT UP POLICE GIRL!-"

"NOW!" firmly voiced The Queen, "Sir Hellsing and Bishop Maxwell have already gotten thier roles selected-the rest of you will choose from a hat who will play whom-if you will?"

The Pope took off his big hat and placed each piece of small folded paper into it and shook it around. Seras lead the way and pretty soon everyone else came down and choose thier paper. The hat was pretty deep so some had to reach on thier tip toes to reach all the way down on the bottom. Finally, Alucard was the last to come up.

"I am warning you," he said,"you better not make me a angel or something girly like that!"

"Just pick a stupid piece of paper vampire!" he snapped at him.

Alucard stuck his tongue out at him juvenilely and took his piece of paper.

The roles went as followed:

**Integra= Mary**

**Maxwell=Joseph**

Both of them screamed in bloody murder until the guards came in thinking there was a attack. But when they saw that there were no terriorists around they groaned and left the stageroom irritated at the false alarm.

**Anderson=Herod **

**"**This has got to be a mistake." stammered Anderson.

**Alucard=Innkeeper**

**Seras= The Angel**

"Oh boy!" she exclaimed,"The Angel! Thank you your majesty!"

"Your welcome," smiled The Queen,"I immediately thought of you when that role came up-" she patted Seras's head nicely-"you set such a fine example to all other newborn vampires."

Behind Seras, Alucard make a gagging sound with his mouth at all the sweet sugary cuteness going on between them.

**Hienkel=a wiseman**

"Oh great," grumbled the priestess,"that is what I need....to be dressed up as a guy...like I don't get enough jokes about that on my day job...."

"I thought you were a guy anyway-" spoke up Pip

"Cram it!" snapped Hienkel.

**Yumiko=a wise man**

**Walter=Another wise man.**

**Pip=Stagehand/understudy/shephered**

"Your holiness, why did you make me Herod!" complained Anderson,"if anything that vile vampire-" pointing to Alucard "-should be the one to decry all first-born boys shall be put to death!"

Alucard just burst out laughing that the self-proclaimed guardien of innocent little children would play such a horrible man. Anderson glared at Alucard's mocking laugh yet knowing that it would taint Iscariot's name to fight in the United Nations building he played the bigger man and walked up the aisle back to his seat with his head held high.

"Heh heh," snickered Alucard,"you know Anderson, humans are so fascinated with such historical quirks about certain important figures, even biblical ones, why.....I.....heard....heheehehe...."

"Vampire...don't you dare even think about-"

"-that Herod was impotent...."

"-THAT IS IT! I AM GOING TO F---ING KILL YOU!" He roared drawing out his sharp baronets

"BRING IT ON JUDAS PRIEST!"

Seras squeaked and grabbed on to the tail of Alucard's coat using all the vampire strength she could muster to keep him from marching towards Anderson as Maxwell and Hienkel pulled him back trying to keep as much distance between the vampire and priest as possible. It lead into a uproar of insults, slander, and taunts within the two factions.

The Queen just covered her face in embarrassement and The Pope pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

It would take a Christmas Miracle to make this play work well it seemed.

Pip was just frustrated that he had to do more work in and on the play than anyone else here.

**TBC**

**I am making this into two parts since I realized that it would be a quite long story.**

**And what did you all think of Anderson playing "Herod"? I know the role dosen't fit him, but that is what makes it fun to write. See ya soon! You know where the review button is....**


	5. Christmas Play part2

**Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.**

**A/N: I want to start off by thanking everyone who has reviewed and or faved this story. I appreciate your support and I hope you spread the word to your friends about these funny Hellsing Christmas tales. This is about that magical traditions (and the consequences that ensue ) when participating in the holiday Christmas Pageants! This is part two of what happened. Oh and two special guests from Millenium are going to make a apparence!**

**Warning: Violence, inappropriate behavior , and basically everything that comes out of Jan Valentine's mouth. You have been warned!**

The rehearsals went off without a hitch, but however, there was one little problem that "crashed" its way in quite unexpectantly four days before opening night (Christmas Eve) they appeared out of nowhere! Literally! And in the dressing room no less!

"Who do you bloody think you are bothering us like this!" demanded Integra drawing out her weapon at Luke and Jan Valentine,"you have no buisness to be here!"

"Shall I dispose of them like the mangy dogs they are?" her servant asked with childlike glee.

Luke stepped forward, he was the debenoire of the two, mostly the diplomatic one while Jan well...you might say was the muscle of the operation. Although they were surrounded by the agents of Iscariot and Hellsing either one of them broke a sweat.

"I apoligize for bothering you so Sir Integra Hellsing," Luke said with a bow,"but you see, my brother and I are thespians of the arts. And what even better to watch it then to be a part of it."

"But you are vampires!" spoke Hienkel,"why would YOU want to be in on our Christmas Paegent?"

"Dude, check it out that they have a cross-dressing bitch in their ranks!" shouted Jan laughing.

If it wasn't for Yumiko and Walter, Hienkel would have made mince meat out of Jan right then and there.

Luke elegantly took Jan's hat and stuffed it into his mouth.

"I onced acted in the Royal Sheaksperean Theater long ago," he went on over Jan's muffling,"and so the acting has never quite left me, much of the soldiers in The Major's army are-shall we say-too unrefined to appreciate such talent. But here, I think we can work something out, besides, we only ask for a mere part in your play in one act each in exchange for being on the stage again."

"Well," thought Maxwell,"since you put it that way..."

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**Christmas Eve, opening night, Act One**

The curtain opened and Integra is laying in what appeared to be a crude bedroom as far as props could go, she pretends to sleep and suddenly the light flashes on brightly on the stage.

"Ow," mumbled Integra,"Alucard, tell Pip to turn the lights down its getting in my eyes."

_Will do Master.....Pip.......come here_

A minute of something being smacked later and the lights got softer.

"Who is there?" said Integra acting like she was afraid,"who are you?"

Luke appeared with fake wings strapped to his back and a makeshift robe, he flourishly entered from the left of the stage speaking dramatically his part: "Fear not, I am Gabriel the messanger and I come bearing-"** BANG** "-WHAT THE-!" Before he could continue his ear got shot off by Intgera's gun which she had hid under her dress.

"Oops sorry," she said faking sincerity,"force of habit you know-"

"Anyway, I am the angel of-OWWW OWWW OWW! WATCH IT!"

**BANG BANG BANG** (one bullet blew his right wing off)

"Sorry my finger slipped."

**BANG BANG BANG BANG**

"Owww oww owww!"

"Ooops, must of gone off by itself....sorry..."

"GodisgoingtomakeyouthemotherofJesusBYE!" He quickly yelled as he ran off trying to avoid a few more bullets that had "accidently" gone off from Integra's gun. The curtain closed and opened up to Anderson sitting on a throne wearing regal clothing.

"There shall be no other kings but me!" He said sounding like a fine scottish king in such a beautiful voice, that it made all the girl orphans swoon,"I Herod decree that...all first born sons of jews shall be brought to me and die!"

Some of the kids were orphans from Ferdindant Luke and jumped up in thier seat waving at their favorite priest and trying to get his attention.

"HI FATHER ANDERSON!"

"HI FATHER ANDERSON! LOOK OVER HERE!"

"ANDERSON! ANDERSON! ANDERSON! I AM OVER HERE!"

"Hi kids," he cried out to them in his Herod costume,"I LOVE YOU ALL! I SEE YOU! YES I SEE YOU TOO!"

"YAAAAAYYYY!" They cried.

A stern clearing of the throat from The Pope set everything in order finally to continue.

Anderson then points to the left stage,"Wise Men come forward!"

Walter, Yumiko, and Hienkel come out in shiny robes, turbans, and fake beards. Hienkel not used to walking around in a long flowing clothes, slips and falls foreward, with her turban falling down over her eyes she stumbles blindly; Walter saves the scene and delievers his line about going out and finding the baby king as Hienkel is walking around with her arms waving out blindly in front of her, she grabs for Anderson's crown and walks off with it thinking its her prop, the crown is stuck to Anderson's hair and he yells out in pain trying to grab it from Hienkel.

The children in the audience are laughing and pointing, while up in the balconey, The Pope and The England Queen are shocked at how all this could have gone wrong in the opening night. Just as they thought "things couldn't get any worse" Then it came to the part with Pip being a shepherd with four of his Wild Geese friends sitting out pretending to mind the flock. Which they weren't doing being too busy looking at dirty magazines and drinking beer. Apparently the four of them didn't seem to even notice that the curtain had risen for they were still talking about stuff that well...wasn't in the lines.

"Hey guys," said the first Wild Geese man,"did I tell you about that hot red-headed chick I bagged last night, damn, she was fine, so I take her back to her place yeah and then after I got my condom on I went down on her like a-"

"-oh man....how long did you go down-?" asked Pip intrigued.

"-It was like twenty minutes..I think she had to re-lotion a couple of times to keep it from drying out-hey, so what are we suppose to do in this play anyway?"

"-just stand around and pretend to 'mind the flock' at least I get to see up Seras's dress, that would be so hot!" replied Pip not even realizing that he was already on.

"I can't wait to see her in......in......" The third Wild Geese turns around and looks out over the audience,"oh crap!"

Pip looks over,"What is it-SHIT! I HAVE TO GET SERAS!"

He runs off stage and there is a sound of a struggle as Seras protestes getting into the harnass complaining that it wasn't her turn yet to come on and Pip is just naturally freaking out that he screwed up the scene with Sir Integra watching looking angerily in his direction. Suddenly, a busty blond vampiress wearing a long silky dress and wings descends very quickly from the top of the stage hanging there screaming "Ahhhh! WEDGY! WEDGEY! MASTER SHUT UP I GOT A WEDGY! STOP LAUGHING IT ISN'T FUNNY!"

Backstage: "Pip is so dead," fumed Integra.

Maxwell fixing his robe,"Does this make me look fat?"

Integra dosen't even look over at him,"Yes...."

"Behold" Said Seras on stage,"Do not be afraid-"

"But we are not." Said a wild geese guy.

"DON'T INTERUPPT ME!" she screamed,"ahem-Do not be afraid, for behold I give you tidings of great joy, for among you is born in the city of David a savior which is Christ the Lord and this shall be a blessing onto you, go now, and you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling cloth and laying in the manger, glory to god in the highest Amen....ow ow ow...get me up this harness is cutting into my skin!"

As Pip ran back to hoist Seras up, Jan whispered to the Wild Geese solder that dated the red-head,"Pssstt, pssst, hey fucker, what was her name? Does she have a sister...?"

The curtain closes on the first Act.

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**ACT TWO-Intermission; backstage.**

"I am NOT riding on that thing!" Integra argued at Maxwell,"so forget it! Its bad enough I have to have a pillow stuffed under this! But I am not riding on a stupid smelly donkey!"

"Well I am not riding it I am the man!" Maxwell snapped back,"now be a good sow and ride this thing-GAAAAACHK!"

"That is no way to talk to the Mother of God, Catholic pig!" Integra seethed grabbing him by the throat.

"Integra please," Walter came and carefully put his hand on her arm,"no one will think any less of you and after all, Mary did ride on a donkey in the Bible..."

Integra looked over at Walter and then at the face of Maxwell cringing from being strangled,"......fine.....but if word of this gets out they are dead! Understand!?"

Intermission was over and the curtain came back up revealing Alucard dressed up as a Innkeeper, they brought in live baby animals to make the scene real, and when the spotlight came on Alucard he was sitting on a chair with a bunch of baby chicks playing around him. A funny sight if not for the fact that he had one sticking out of his mouth with its wings and legs flaying wildy.

"MASTER NO!" Screamed Seras running over and whacking him in the back of the head.

Alucard spat it out and placed the poor dazed creature down,"Relax its not like I was going to bite its head off or anything."

"SAY YOUR LINE OZZY OSBOURNE!" Screeched Integra from across the stage.

"Fine," he let out a sigh,"what a beautiful night-its nights like this I am so glad I am dea-er alive-oh what is this...a round young woman and her stupid fiancee coming to find shelter?"

Maxwell comes out with his beard askew pulling a stubborn young donkey and a irate woman over to Alucard. Trying hard not to step on any of the small baby farm animals that were under thier feet. When they finally got the donkey over to Alucard, Maxwell was too exhausted to even feel intimidated by the dark vampire.

"We are here to find room, my slutty wife-er 'darling' wife, is going to have a baby." He said.

"Sorry, we don't take in Catholics," Alucard said pretending to sweep the floor,"go away."

"You are suppose to say 'There is no vacancy at the inn but you may use the manger out back' you stupid vampire!" whispered Maxwell.

"Don't make me shove this up where the sun don't shine-"

"ALUCARD SAY YOUR LINES!" ordered Integra.

"Yes Master," he groaned,"There is no vacancy at the inn but you may use the manger out back......you stupid carpenter." He added smirking,"now, come this way and....stop....stop it...knock it off!"

A little lamb was chewing on Alucard's costume baa-ing and nuzzling him, and it didn't help matters that the children were laughing at him either, he got so fed up he hit the poor lamb with his broom a couple of times. The children were horrified, they punished the vampire in their own way by throwing their juice boxes at him.

"He hit a baby animal!"

"YOU MEANIE!"

"JESUS HATES YOU NOW!"

"Stop it! Ahhh! Noooo! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!" He cowered as Integra and Maxwell left the stage,"KNOCK IT OFF!"

That was when Pip and Seras closed the curtain before things got out of hand.

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**Act Three**

The curtain opened up once more and revealed a manger scene with Integra propped up against the wall of the small house and laying on a bed of dry straw which made it very uncomfortable. She shifted around a few times as she said her lines. Maxwell, mischieviously tried to lift up Integra's dress to see if she was still wearing pants underneath it and got a good smack across the face from him.

At that moment the three wise men came up Hienkel had removed her turban to prevent anything bad from happening the second time around,"We come bearing you gifts. Gold, Frackencenise and Myrrh." She said.

"Um, what am I suppose to do with them?" Integra asked.

"Well," shrugged Yumiko,"you could....decorate the manger, or um...use it to buy stuff...maybe....temple use?"

"We are not pagans!"

"I didn't say you were!" She shivered,"please don't yell at me, you will make Yumi come out and you wouldn't want Yumi to come out..."

Pip and his other three "shepherd" friends came along,"we are here to see the baby. And see a woman go into labor."

"Oh no! I am going to into labor!"

"This is the closet thing you are going to see me giving birth to you guys!" she yelled at the Prostant Knights in the audience,"SO LOOK CAREFULLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET TO SEE THIS AGAIN-!"

"Oh god they are not going to show afterbirth are they?" squirmed Sir Islands shielding his eyes.

Seras runs on stage,"Sir Integra! Master is eating another baby chick again!"

"SERAS SHUT UP!"

"You should try it Police Girl," he said sucking on a fuzzy yellow one like it was a pacifier,"they are very relaxing..."

Just then........

"SUPRISE! M---THER F----KERS!" screamed Jan coming out in nothing but a diaper,"I AM YOUR F---KING SAVIOR! BOW DOWN TO MY MIGHTY F---KINUSS!" The Pope groaned and buried his face in his hands,"HEY OLD FART! LOOK AT ME!" Jan gives The Pope the finger, "WHAT DO YOU THINK HUH YOU OLD COCK-SUCKING BASTARD! WHAT ARE YOU SCREWING THAT OLD HAG ON THE SIDE OR SOMETHING! SHE HAS GOT SOME FLABBY TITTIES-"

The Queen and Pope just turn thier heads and ignore Jan while he is yelling obcentities at them, causing everyone in the audience to run out of the building including the U.N. delegates. He waves his arms up at them beacuse the best part about swearing at someone (according to Jan) is to do it in their face while looking at you.

"HEY! STOP F--KING IGNORING ME! HEY! HEY! YOU OLD CUNTS LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK! LOOK HOW SACRELIGIOUS I AM DRESSING UP LIKE BABY JESUS AND SWEARING! SEE! SEE! YOU-*CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*-"

"A 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' is going to be on," The Pope said to the Queen,"you want to watch it with me?"

"Sure." she said over the sound of Jan's yelling,"l always loved that cartoon lets go!"

"Me too." He said happily.

They walked off from the disaster of the Christmas Paegent and decided to watch a Christmas special with thier friends and family, thus, ensuring that even between Catholic and Protestant, peace on earth, and good-will towards men can still happen.

Back on the stage.

"So, are down with this Master?" Alucard asked taking the chick out of his mouth.

"Yes......lets go home." she said removing her dress revealing her usual green men's suit attire underneath.

Seras grabbed the poor chick and held it up to her face feeling the fuzzy feathers against her skin,"I think I will name you 'Sunshine'."

Outside, Alucard was harassed nonstop by children and PETA

**Oh my! That was nuts! I hope you all enjoyed it! **

**Be sure to leave reviews, comments, and flames. They are perfect for this time of year....*cuddles up against a roaring flame wearing a sweater and drinking hot cocoa* Mmmmmm...toasty. LMAO! **


	6. For Sunshine and Seras

**Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot, a store called Bath and Body Works, but I do own some rights to Sunshine.**

**A/N: Thank you to all those that have faved and reviewed this story. I appreciate all your support. This next chapter has a new friend....Sunshine, the little chick that Alucard put in his mouth in part 2 of "The Christmas Play" story. Once again another OOC humor story. Which I firmly believe the world needs more of, enjoy!**

**Warning: Usual violence and cussing...but it does involve a poop joke too just so you know.**

Everyone loved Sunshine. He was cute, cuddly, and itsy-bitsy. Even Integra agreed that he was just what the soldiers needed to boost up morale during the holiday months when so many were away from thier homes and families. When Seras took him home from thier infamous Christmas play, Walter made a little box with a nest for him and got a lamp from one of the rooms to keep the chick toasty and warm.

Everywhere that Seras went the little chick went, like a fuzzy yellow shadow, Seras would talk to it, read him stories, and after every mission she would go down into her room in the basement and there was Sunshine peeping at her as if he was happy to see her. However, after one mission that night, Seras went down to her room and found Sunshine gone from his boxy home.

"Sushine," she said couriously,"Sunshine, Sunshine! Where are you!?"

Furiously, Seras serched her room and phased through each and every other room in the manor. Until a horrible thought hit her. Alucard! Alucard never liked Sunshine, he would get jealous because everywhere that Seras went so was the little chick standing right under her, and him not being able to eat it. Ususally she was afraid of going into Master's room, but not this time.

Time time it was personal!

"MAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!" She screeched loudly phasing through the huge set of doors,"WHERE IS SUNSHINE!?"

"Zzzzzz...BELLYDANCER..hah huh...what?" he sputtered waking up from a nap,"where is who my dear fledgling?"

"You know who I am talking about," she said plopping on his lap and grabbing him by the lapels of his coat,"Sunshine, where is he!?! What did you do with him!?"

"Ohhhhhh 'Sunshine'," he smirked as if hearing that name for the first time,"or he is safe, very safe, I have taken him hostage. You see, I have tried, bribing, threatening, pleading, but none of that has worked so far-so I decided to do the next best thing-" He shoved her off his lap and held out a blood packet"-either you drink this....or I eat your little fluffy bundle of love and joy."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed,"how could you!"

"Police Girl, drink the damn blood pack!"

"No!"

"Seras-"

"NOOOOO! SIR INTEGRA!" She screamed as loud as her voice would carry.

Immediately Alucard rushed into his coffin, throwing the lid open to take out Sunshine. He scooped it up into his hands and just before he could even deposit the little fluff chick into his whiney fledgling's hands the door kicked open revealing to be a very irate Sir Integra Hellsing, and from the looks of her bloodshot eyes it looked like she was taking a relaxing nap; taking a break from hours of paperwork to be interuppted by the sound of her two vampires having problems-with each other.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLOODY MONARCHY IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?!" She roared almost as loudly as Seras.

The draculina cried out loud running over to Sir Integra and hugging her,"M-M-Master threatened to eat my baby chick!"

"OH COME ON!" He protested,"it was just to make you drink your blood packet-hehehe oops..."

"Alucard!" fumed Integra,"Sunshine is a member of this Hellsing organzation whether you like it or not! And that is low....even for you...I hope Seras fed that chick before you stuffed it in your coffin because I am not going to allow Walter down here to clean it, maybe it will teach you to not do this again!"

She held out her hand and with a glare in her sharp eyes made Alucard place the baby chick there so she could give it back to Seras, who was very happy to see her little baby again. Then Integra led the draculina upstairs leaving Alucard alone in his room to think about what he had done. But he wasn't thinking about what he had done, he was thinking about what Integra meant when she said that Walter would not clean out his coffin from now on.

He laid back into his coffin and saw something small brown round. It was hard and yet soft at the same time.

"Hey, it must be one of my chococalate covered peanuts that dropped in the lining," he said as he put it in his mouth,"now, what did Master mean by-"

Seconds later, his face cringed and vomited the taste of crap from his mouth.....

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"........and that is why I am here," he told the lady at the counter in the mall,"I want to buy a Christmas gift for her to say I am sorry."

The woman who was the sales clerk for Bath and Body works just stared at him blankly, half in shock and half in confusion, did he just say that he had eaten a piece of chick poop?

Obviously this man had some mental issues, it had to be her, when she caught him trying to eat the samples of their holiday season lip gloss. Most notably the "food flavored" ones. Actually thinking they were made out of that stuff! Her first thought that he was "retarded" but he certainly could talk logically. So what was his problem?

"Huh, um, well I will show you our gift baskets," she said faking a bright smile,"come with me."

The minute the six foot tall vampire turned around he was face to face with none other than the Judas "Freaking" Priest! Out of a instinctive desire to kill one another they drew out thier weapons. The sales lady let out a scream and ran hiding behind her counter. They pointed thier weapons at each other staring one another down in a stand off.

"What do you think you are doing here vampire!" he demaned,"trying to cause trouble I see?"

"You started it first by coming here!" he growled baring his fangs like a cornered feral cat.

"I just came to pick up a gift for Hienkel and Yumiko," he said, when he saw a intrigued look in Alucard's sullen eyes he growled,"NO! ITS NOT LIKE THAT! ITS THE DAMN GIFTCARDS YOU PERVERT!"

Alucard laughed darkly,"Suuuuure...."

"Its time to finish what we started in the U.N. building," cried Anderson motioning his blades in the form of a cross,"time to die!"

They battled like they had never battled before, bottles of lotion, bubble bath, perfume and other sceneted hygeine products splattered the walls and was soon after joined by the blood of the two fighting monsters. The sales lady cowered screaming with each body part smacking against the floor like a huge chunk of meat. She couldn't tell who was what anymore after they hacked each other to pieces. And the store, well, suffice to say that nothing was spared but a bottle of body spray that smelled of honeysuckles.

As Alucard and Anderson laid on the blood soaked floor with thier bodies mangled and mutilated, the vampire turned into a bat and flew off with the bottle of body spray as Anderson sighed and with his legs hacked off dragged himself to the small shelf where the gift cards were at and took two. Then placed them on the counter.

"TAKE IT! JUST TAKE IT!" screamed the sales lady.

"God Bless," he told her and then crawled off leaving a trail of blood where he went.

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Down in the confines of Seras's room, she was laying on her bed, reading "The Night Before Christmas" to Sunshine. Giving him a kiss every now and then. Just then the chick started to shiver and let out a frightened peeping sound she looked up and saw Alucard in her room. Without even knocking mind you.

"Master!" she exclaimed, grabbing for Sunshine and holding him close,"what are you doing in here! LEAVE US ALONE!"

"Police Girl please!" he said holding his hands out defensively,"I am not here to cause trouble, seriously, I am here to say I am sorry for what I had to do to make you drink your blood. I thought that if...you didn'twant to do it for me than do it for Sunshine. Here, I got you both something."

He held out a red and green gift bag and placed it on the bed, Seras took it out, it was body spray to cover up the scent of her dead body whenever she was out in public and how ever did her master even know that she loved the smell of honeysuckles. But did it still justified what he did to Sunshine she wondered, then, there was something else in there too. It was a small little black pillow.

"Its for Sunshine to sleep on," Alucard explained,"I made it myself......"

Seras wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly,"Oh thank you Master!" she said happily,"this the best gift we have ever gotten!"

Sunshine agreed by sitting on the small pillow and nuzzling into it comfortably.

"And now Master," she said picking up the blood packet in the bucket of ice on the table,"this is my gift to you-" she willingly ripped it off and drank down every last ounce of it-"Merry Christmas."

Sadly, this fluffy moment was interrupted by a sharp tone of authority,"ALUCARD! COME UP HERE! I WANT TO TALK YOU TO YOU ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAW ON THE NEWS TODAY!"

"Oh crap...." groaned the vampire.

**_Awwww, see, its fluff and its humorous fun! _**

**_And if those of you that don't know, Bath and Body works is this store around my hometown that sells perfumes, and body washes that smell of really herbal or fruity stuff. And they have these lip glosses with names like "Cinnemon" and "Mint Chococalate" and "Strawberry Banana" which explains the joke about Alucard trying to eat it thinking its actually food. lol. Please Read and Review_**


	7. Secret Santa Gift Exchange

**Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.**

**A/N: Thank you to all those that have faved and reviewed this story. I appreciate all your support. This next chapter has a new friend....Sunshine, the little chick that Alucard put in his mouth in part 2 of "The Christmas Play" story. This is a short one, ****about how we always seem to get a bad gift in a pile of great ones. Hellsing and Iscariot are secret -santas in this just so you know.**

"Seras what are you doing?" Integra asked the vampiress in her office today,"and what is in that metal box?"

"Cookies," said Seras happily with her pet chick Sunshine standing next to her,"I made some cookies for the troops, care to have one?"

"No thanks," she said,"I need to finish this case file up as soon as possible, and it would look unprofessional to have cookie crumbs on it, sorry."

"Oh, okay." She said a tad sadly, "come along Sunshine, lets go give these cookies to the soldiers."

"Peep peeep!" said Sunshine happily in his little santa hat and scarf.

Seras walked out of the office with Sunshine hurrying behind trying to catch up. The chick had become a member of the team. And was very well trained for a baby. Seras had almost a paranormal link with the chick. The Director wouldn't be surprised for one bit if Seras had made it one of her familiars. Outside in the hallway, Sir Integra could hear Seras running into someone offering them a cookie, to her hidden amusement it turned out to be Pip.

She could just hear it already-

_"No Pip! NOT THOSE COOKIES!" _

**SLAP!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Christmas Day **

Hellsing and Iscariot's best agents were sitting around underneath a huge decorated Christmas tree. Each one was each other's secret santas.

"I will go first!" Sir Integra ordered sharply and then gave Seras her gift,"here this one is from me."

"Yay!" Seras cried and ripped open the wrapping paper.

It was a crudely made knitted brown sweater with the Hellsing logo ironed on it.

"Oh, thank you," she said hiding her disgust at the ugly sweater,"its lovely."

"Try it on."

Seras did so, mostly out of fear of what her boss would do if it turned out that Seras hated it. She pulled it on over her head and stood up so everyone could get a good look at it much to the police girl's embarrassment. Her heavy-set chest stretched out the chibi bat's head so wide it gave it the illuision of a frown. While the sleeves went all the way down past her hands.

She could hear her Master's snide chuckle in her head.

The next gift was from Walter to Alucard.

"Why thank you Angel of Death," he said opening it hoping it to be a set of wine glasses for his 'wine',"Oh....nice...a calender with dogs on it....thank you...."

"You are welcome." He said.

"Now I can hang it on my coffin...and...enjoy the cute..faces of dogs every months...." then he added mentally, "_this is for getting back at me when I ditched you in that room with The Captain isn't it?"_

"_Pretty much yeah_." Walter telelinked back.

"Okay, now that we have had the joy of Alucard being humilated," said Maxwell boldly,"its MY turn! Here you go."

He gave Integra his present which said "To your secret sow-" the word sow crossed off and written over it "-santa from Maxwell."

"That is a typo," he explained with a sweatdrop falling down his face,"I don't know how on earth I would have gotten those two words mixed up."

"_Oh I am sure I could_-" Integra silently thought to herself.

"You know your stupid 'sow' comments are getting a tad old," she hissed dreading the present she would get from him,"Oh.....how..lovely, a picture of you...in tacky golden framing....where am I suppose to put this, in the dumpster?"

"No stupid," he laughed,"on your desk so that way you can always look at me in all my beautiful god-made visage twenty four hours a day."

"Great...great...I will just put this with the other.....thirty-six other pictures of you I got...every Christmas." She said bitting back her venemous rage.

In other words they would have to find another spot in the backyard to bury this one in.

"All right! My turn!" cried Pip diving headfirst into the box of presents and throwing some aside to retrieve the one he had gotten for Seras, just as soon as it moved the thing started to hum and vibrate. Attracting alot of suspicious attention.

"Ewwww PIP!"

"WHAT THE HELL CAPTAIN!?"

"THIS IS AN ABOMINATION OF CHRIST'S OWN DAY OF BIRTH!"

"Its not the one I intended to give you Seras," he sputtered,"I mean....it...it was...but this was a 'secret special' secret santa gift I intended to give you when we were...you know...alone....?"

"Oh really?" Seras fumed knocking the gift to the corner,"then where is my REAL gift?!"

"Um..uh...uh....here!" reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter, a condom, a piece of lint, a bottle of white-out and a quarter,"Here, its for you."

He hands her the items.

"Wow what a 'nice save' Pip," Seras sighed putting them in her own pocket then added sarcastically,"I will treasure this stuff forever."

Yumiko and Sunshine couriously crawl over to poke at the strange buzzing gift box.

But are pulled back protectively by Anderson.

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The Secret Santa exchange continued.

"Here is my gift Yumiko," said Hienkel,"Merry Christmas."

"I didn't even know that Japense even celebrated Christmas," blurted out Alucard,"ow-!"

He got sharply elbowed by Integra.

"Oh boy! Yaaay!" The nun smiled opening her gift up and pulling out-

A pair of handcuffs.

"What?" said Hienkel innocently surrounded by slack-jawed characters staring in disbelief,"its for her split personality. Come on, don't look at me like that...SERIOUSLY! ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!"

"What the heck kind of gift is this!" yelled Yumiko changing drastically to Yumi the berserker,"I get a stupid pair of handcuffs and Seras gets two presents! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I AM MUCH MORE SWEETER AND NICER THAN SHE IS! I SHOULD HAVE MORE PRESENTS-MORE-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Her glasses came off and she ripped the oraments on the tree one by one using the metal hooks as a weapon against almost everyone around her. Alucard used his shadow familiars to pin her down as Hienkel made use of the handcuffs and shackled her to the tree. Everyone gathered up the gifts and scooted farther back from the crazed nun and the tree.

"Oh dear," Walter gasped at the sight of the crazed nun ripping more oraments down and smashing them against the wall,"should we go into another room?"

"Oh we will be fine," explained Maxwell,"Yumiko never had a good throwing arm, even as little kids when we would play ball she would barely throw it hard enough to catch it.."

"Yeah that is true." Added Anderson remembering when he would watch them play with balls as little kids.

"Okay enough talking about balls-SMACK!" She gave her cackling vampire servent a smack against his face,"-lets get this over with shall we?"

Next was Sunshine's turn to be given a gift. Walter was his secret santa and scooped the sweet little chick up into his hand handing him a small bag of chicken feed.

"Awwwwww!" everyone exclaimed.

"What did the chick get?!" Yumiko screamed a tad calmer

"HE GOT CHICKEN FEED FROM THE HELLSING BUTLER!"

"WHAT!?!?!"

"I SAID THAT THE HELLSING'S BUTLER GOT THE CHICK SOME FOOD!" Enrico yelled again.

"OH THAT WAS NICE OF HIM!" She screamed back

Meanwhile....

"Here is your stupid present heathen!" Anderson spat at Alucard hitting him square in the face with his gift.

"And here is your stupid secret santa present!" Alucard replied throwing his twice as hard at Anderson in the crotch.

Alucard was courious, his gift was bigger than the one he gave to Anderson, he opened it and pulled out a "Testament Bible: New King James edition", a wooden crucifix, and a necklace of garlic bulbs that almost made him throw up. Anderson opened up his present and got a DVD Music video of Marilyn Manson in concert.

"You bastard!" He growled.

The stench of the garlic made the No-Life King's insides take a nasty turn. He actually felt the blood he had drank weeks ago start to come back up into his throat. Anderson may have beaten him with a gift for his personal pleasure at torturing the vampire. But he had the last laugh: he had destroyed the receipt so Anderson could never return the Marilyn Manson concert DVD back. And experience the humilation of being scene holding it in his hands.

This victory was short-lived when he clutched his mouth and ran for the nearest bathroom.

"And take your cross with you!" screamed Anderson chucking it at Alucard.

"-AAAAAAAHHHHHHH THAT BURNS-!"

Seras sent Sunshine after Alucard to make sure he was all right.

"Where is my present?" Maxwell asked Integra thinking that he would get one from her,"I gave you my gift where is mine?"

"Stop being such a spoiled baby," answered Integra,"I didn't pick your name. So its not me that will give you your present."

"Then who will?"

"One minute will you?" She said snobbishly,"I think Alucard is back. Oh good. He brought hot chocolate."

Enrico cringed, one minute the vampire was vomitting from the aroma of garlic bulbs, and then the next he came by with a tray of hot chocolate and the tiny chick perched on his shoulder. The vampire placed the hot chocolate on the table and used his shadow tendril to bring one over to Sister Yumie who was chewing on the metal handcuffs to get free. He naturally put up his defenses and stared at his cup strangely as soon as another tendril handed him his cup.

"Alucard didn't put anyting gross in it did he?" he asked with a eye crooked up.

"No Maxwell," said Integra,"I would know if he tainted the hot chocolate with his own blood or some such thing, though I would understand your paranoia."

"Don't worry Archbishop, I washed my hands," Alucard smirked and sat down next to Seras,"very throughly."

Every drank thier hot chocolate, even Yumie who had trouble with both her hands handcuffed to the tree sipped her off the brim. No one complained, for a vampire, he made good hot chocolate. But something tasted funny.

Maybe it was the milk.

"I think you should have went to the store and gotten fresh milk Integra," he said,"it must be spoiled."

"I didn't put milk in it." Alucard said playing with the small chick in his hand.

Maxwell stopped in mid-slurp and looked over at the chick hopping back and forth in the vampire's large gloved hands and then at his strange tasting hot chocolate.

He spat it out all over the carpet.

"YOU SICK VAMPIRE! YOU MADE THE CHICK PEE IN MY HOT CHOCOLATE!"

"HE WHAT! EWWWWWWW! DID HE PEE IN MINE?"

"DON'T WORRY YUMIE ITS JUST MAXWELL'S CUP!" Shouted Alucard this time across the room.

"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT COFFEE!"

"I SAID THAT SUNSHINE PEED IN MAXWELL'S CUP OF HOT CHOCOLATE!"

"EWWWWWWWW!"

Walter just sighed and went off to get the carpet cleaner before it soaked in and stained the fabric.

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Now it was Seras's turn.

After Maxwell brushed his teeth about five times in a minute, they were all gathered together once again.

Seras had three gifts to her secret santas: Anderson, Alucard, and Sunshine.

They opened them up. The presents were very small and came in holiday gift bags. It turned out that Seras spent her time making her Christmas gifts. Homemade oraments. However, she was one of those people that thought they were creative but everyone was too nice to tell them they were not for fear of hurting thier feelings. Anderson's orament was a "reindeer" made of nothing but thin pieces of brown felt stiff and crusty from all the hot glue that was used to attach the loop string on the back and a heavy plastic eye that weighed down the head so it bent at a awkward angle when you held it up.

Alucard took out Sunshine's orament. It was a bunch of red puff balls hot glued together until glazed over in a hard sticky protective shell with plastic leaves that suddenly fell out the minute Alucard held it up. Followed by the puff balls and the small golden thread that served as a loop came undone.

"Oops," said Seras,"I guess I should have used more hot glue."

He dreaded what his would look like.

When Alucard took his out it was......the worst orament ever!

It was a plastic "Bambi" figurine (from McDonalds) with a red silk tied around his neck and the back filled with hard crusty hot glue that held together a strand of yellow sewing thread wrapped around the torso and hot glued along the edges.

Now, usually, when you receive bad gifts ettiquette tells you to lie through your teeth about how much you liked it. But Alucard, well, he was never much for ettiquette.

"Oh my god!" he screamed,"this has got to be the crappiest Christmas I have ever had! Like the bible and the garlic necklace wasn't enough! At least I knew that Anderson would pull off that sort of insult but this....this....SUCKS!"

"M-M-Master..." Seras's big doe-eyes started to water.

"What just because you stick some crap together with hot glue you think you are Martha Stewert? Seriously, you have no creative talent-" Seras started to cry loudly "-and another thing! Why the heck did you give me some stupid plastic orament? If you can even call it a orament, you swiped this from Integra's McDonald's toy collection didn't you?"

"I.I...I just..."

"Really, if you are going to make something at least hire someone to do a better job of it-!"

Seras ran out of the room crying.

Integra grabbed Alucard's crucifix and proceeded to beat him over the head with it until he was knocked out cold.

"HEY GUYS!" screamed Yumiko, over at the tree still handcuffed,"WHAT DID I MISS? WHY IS SERAS CRYING!?!? GUYS!? HEY! I AM NOT YUMIE ANYMORE....UM...SO CAN ANYONE GIVE ME THE KEYS TO THE HANDCUFFS! GUYS! HIENKEL!? CHIEF? ANDERSON? ANYBODY!"

No one responded to Yumiko's yelling for they were all in a stunned silent trance with bad gifts all around them. It was that day on that there would be no more secret santa gift exchange anymore.

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Meanwhile, Pip's "gag" gift buzzed its away over to Integra after she had beaten her vampire into unconciousness. Grabbing it she opened it up and reached into the box.

"Anyone want a back massager?" she asked.

**Merry Christmas and I hope everyone has better luck with thier gifts than the characters did. I guess I don't much else to say but please read and review and join me next time when we have a nice romantic Hellsing Christmas story ;)**


	8. Guardien Angel

**Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.**

**A/N: Thank you to all those that have faved and reviewed this story. I appreciate all your support. This next chapter is a romantic one. With a slight Maxwell/Integra pairing. The name of the Protestant church used here is fictionous and bears so resemblence to any church whether it be domination or located in America or the United Kingdom.**

**Warning: Contains violence.**

**Christmas Eve-Angel of Light Prostant Church.**

The candle light mass that her church held every Christmas Eve was just as beautiful as the next. It never failed to bedazzle her with the smell of red candles and poinsettas wafting in the air over the vestible. She removed her gloves and sat in the front row of the pew by herself as she waited for the rest of the visitors to settle in thier seats to begin their annual program.

Reading over her program pamplet she could hear the sound of the floors vibrating with the constant rampaging of tiny children running around despite thier parents' rules not to for it was not appropiate. Among the uneven chaotic stamping came a slow precise footstep towards her, the bench space next to her creaking against the weight of the person sitting next to her.

"Aren't you in the wrong service archbishop?" she asked not even looking up at him.

Maxwell smirked,"Now Sir Integra, I only came here to keep you company during service," he folded up his coat and placed it beside himself,"it looks so sad to see a lovely young lady such as yourself here all by yourself."

"Maxwell," she replied pushing her glasses up,"first you call me a "lovely young lady" and other times you call me a "Protestant Sow" I do wish you would make up your mind. Besides, I have been coming here since I was a little girl. So it dosen't concern me if I come with someone or not. As a matter of fact, I do prefer it if I was alone."

"As you will be all your life." He added sharply.

Her teeth grinded together, to think that he came here to insult her, on Christmas Eve even!?!

Did he have no limits?

"Besides, I am not here to enjoy the lights of your garish service," he whispered lowering his voice,"I am here to warn you about a attempt on your life tonight."

"Maxwell, if you dare pull anything during this-"

Just then, the minister asked for everyone to stand up for the open chorus,"Hark The Herald" making Integra stop in midsentence, her defenses were on high and she was internally conflicted with the thought of leaving Alucard behind, but she vowed to never bring the vampire with her to church. It was a unwritten code. But now with the idea of a assassinator somewhere in this church she couldn't help but think if she did the right thing at this very moment.

Was Maxwell warning her or threatening her?

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The dark-haired woman walked up the steps of the church just as a elderly man was about to enter, trying to take his time but try to reach the door so he didn't miss the first program. He saw the beautiful ebony locked woman and kindly opened the door for her, her curled shoulder length hair hiding the ruby orbs behind her hair.

"Thank you," she said as she put her hands further into her black wool overcoat,"thank you very much."

She came in and stood in the back keeping her eyes fixated on the blond woman in the green suit as the elderly man took his seat next to his family.

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She would shot a glance at him. He was behaving himself, singing along (with a fine voice) with the music. However, Integra tried to keep her glances to a minium for fear of giving him mixed signals.

_Mixed signals...from HIM!!?!?!?_

Maybe after all these years of being around Alucard she was finally losing it.

Just then, she felt a arm brush around her waist. What was he pulling?! Was he really that bold enough to pull a reach around on her!?! If she had her vamprie with her he would be torn a new one-!

"Maxwell..." she warned.

He shifted in one move towards her as the sound of a gun shot out! A woman screamed and people scattered everywhere running for the side doors, Integra widened her eyes in shock and looked down at her hands seeing red sticky blood on her hands and feeling Maxwell's grip slacken.

"Maxwell...MAXWELL!" She screamed seeing him clutch his bleeding stomach in pain and falling to his knees.

The Director looked up and saw admist the confusion a beautiful dark-haired woman with curly hair resting on her shoulders and over her eyes in a black wool trenchcoat holding a fired gun in one hand. Her fangs gleaming in the light of the flickering candles. Integra ducked down and wrapped her arms around Enrico just as a second shot fired and missed her head; stricking the minster instead.

"Enrico, Enrico, where is Anderson?" She asked,"call Anderson!"

He could barely speak, the catholic was coughing up to much blood to even breath. She removed her coat and applied pressure to the sight of the gunshot wound.

"Enrico....hang on!" She demanded.

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The Assassinator walked down the asisle gunning down people that were in her way. She would not stop until the Director of Hellsing was dead. Reloading she shot a man that was too slow to hide behind a pillar and shot a woman dragging her child to saftey. The fresh smell of blood making her mouth water.

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She had no choice.

Church or no it was survival over rules.

"ALUCARD!" She screamed,"SEARCH AND DESTROY THIS VAMPIRE BITCH! SEND HER TO HELL FOR THIS ATROCITY!"

Without thinking, Integra had gripped onto Enrico's silver crucifix, feeling the solid form of the relic she noted that there was a dent in the middle sunken inward from behind. If it wasn't for the crucifix it would have gone past him and hit her still. A fourth gunshot followed and a woman's fell on her back in the asisle across from Integra's hiding place. Her head lolled to the side facing Integra who watched the blood flow down over the corpes eyes and mouth.

"**_ALUCARD_**!"

The Assassinator was getting closer to the pew where Sir Integra was hiding, she cocked her gun, ready to shot when she spotted the little girl crying over her dead mother. Perhaps a small bite wouldn't hurt, she thought, besides everyone knew that Sir Integra's vampire was not allowed to accompany her during church services so there was all the time in the world.

"Mommy!" cried the little girl in a green and black velvet dress,"get up mommy! I am scared!"

The Dark-haired woman's fangs lowered and reached down with her free hand to grab onto the child's braided hair. Suddenly a black tendril lunged out and whipped around her wrist pulled her arm out to the side in the direction of its source. A tall man wild black hair flowed everywhere around him like they were snakes from the Medusa's head, one of the strands were the tendril that grabbed the vampiress. He reached his arms underneath his red duster and pulled out a large black gun.

"YOU!" She screamed.

"Yes," he smiled evily pointing the gun at her,"its 'Me' and now this will be the last time you will ever see me again."

"I am not sorry for what I did...except about getting caught!" The Vampiress spat pulling against the tendril holding her wrist.

Alucard looked over to the little girl who was almost a vampire snack hiding underneath the organ and then over at where Sir Integra had bunkered there making sure that Enrico was not worse for wear. Luckily for her, he had hung around the roof of the church waiting for when his Master had to call on him. He admired her loyalty for never leaving a man behind even if this man was a two-faced slimy Archbishop.

"Master! Get out of here! And take the silly roman with you if you wish him to actually live!" he said.

Integra put a arm over her shoulder and wrapped her other arm around his waist pressing into the redsoaked green jacket dragging Enrico out of the pew towards the nearest exit. The little girl had covered her eyes scared of seeing the dead bodies drapped on the carpet. When Integra and her tow was safetly out of sight. He sent more tendrils to restrain the Asassinator and aimed the gun straight at her heart.

"Merry Christmas Jackal" he said grimely as the trigger was pulled.

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**Christmas Day-Hellsing Medical Wing**

Enrico was placed in the Medical wing of Hellsing by Integra's orders. It confused the soliders and nurses as to why she would let her arch rival enter her own home and be given hospital care. But of course it was foolish to go against her orders. And so they did. Now Integra was sitting in a chair next to his bed. Watching him like a guardien angel.

Much like the Angel that watched over baby Jesus.

He had saved her life she realized, and now the favor was returned.

When the nurse left after fixing his IV, she waited until the nurse was out of sight. Then, she stood up and leaned down placing a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you." She said.

**Well how was that, I hope that Integra was not OOC but I felt that even for Christmas it wouldn't matter. I hope you all enjoyed it. **


End file.
